Will you hate me if I disappear?

I may or I may not

We ended badly

So since we do talk

Would you or won’t you?

I may just become a new corpse

I may just intentionally be a statistic

I could simply just go the fuck away, so?

You won’t care

You will worry ehh

You may lose a meal, so?

You were the finish line in it

Maybe the needle that broke a back

Maybe a lie that came back to me

Maybe I was past dealing with it

Maybe I didn’t want to live

mom already gone you don’t know it

I’m dancing around the subject

Every step I make

Every word I write

Every thing I do

A puzzle to undo

A perplexed person


A panic I am in

The shit said is true

The things are real

The ones are but…

How to decipher?

How to be sure?

How to see my dance?

***I DO HIDE THINGS WELL especially if TRUTH won’t HELP***


2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com


Memories I don’t want to lose

Remembering all things, good and bad

all a blur

Sometimes a side effect of mind altering


Is it real?, Is it Memorex?, Is it just that I

am insane?

I do not care as I am not me without these


Many are like heavy nightmares i can’t

wake up from

Some I do wake from to find a place I

don’t recognize

At times these are so surreal that I’d

see butterflies fly without wings

I could envision Unicorns that have

their horn sideways

Feelings that I am being operated on

and I die and SEE it as I float away

Do I see myself injuring myself on bad

days and making DEEP CUTS?

Those from the sharpest blades, from

strongest medications

Lucid awareness or lack thereof that

hails me from the hell I am in

I am not allowed to leave but I am

not wanted to stay

Purgatory as I am in constant wait

for you, for me to be me and more

I am a reckless emotion!


2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com



I think I need help

My mind is racing but it is locked up

I tried to pick it and failed

My mind is going into that bad place

One of rage and terror

My mind has a target and no mercy

Come after friends and family

My mind has it’s own plan for you

I can’t stop it

My mind is made up and the gas

pedal is weighted with a TON

My mind thinks I need help but…

I think it is you that does…

My mind does not alter it is an

entity and spins round

My mind has the same DREAMS

in it you are GONE…

My mind says you are worse than


My mind says you FUCKED with

the wrong one and you are DONE

Do I need help? Not for you I don’t

Do I need to slow down? No FASTER

Do I need a SHRINK? No she said it’s OK

Do I need a priest? He said go ahead

Do I need approval? Hell NO!!

Do remember you started it long AGO

Do remember it is a manifesto

Do remember your days are numbered

Do remember you are a fool pretending

Do remember you try to manipulate

Do remember I DON’t care that YOU ARE DUMB

Do remember you will NOT REMEMBER after we TUSSLE

Do remember you unleashed the MONSTER


2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com




If someone is sulking to themselves and nobody knows, are they considered feeling fine?

Whether living alone or with someone that does not

pay attention, they are bad for you

If you are blatantly obvious with your mood, sadness

and more, how can they not see it?

It is like if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it

does it mean there is no sound or that it happened?

Many depressed people give out all the signals and if they

are missed they sometimes die

Why does this happen so often and is likened to the kids’

bullied shoot up a school

People need to not need to have only “tunnel vision” and

realize that someone is off

I went through several issues and one was after a near fatal

car crash and I was left for dead

I was revived twice and had convulsions and was given bad

meds for me and I could not wean off easily

I slept through an entire month and that was at 2 weeks and

it got worse and took a year to get off and this is for all people

going through any issues that may hinder them

I also see this with people that have other illnesses, whether

physical or mental

It is sad that people and even doctors sometimes do tooooooo

much or do little and it causes a fatality

We need people seeing and hearing us and knowing a change is

made and helping, not ignoring!!!

Don’t just see it and be proactive!!!

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

Please help me

I am in angst as I am badly judged

I’m losing things

Mostly my brain as it can’t comprehend

these attacks

I need a team, a person an idea but

it must be viable and on point

These issues are seriously hard to

deal with

Pills can’t keep your head straight

and your dreams are haunting

These meds make you a living nightmare

trapped in under belly

Light, smells and visions are not real

to you and will never be again

A spiral staircase that will never

end in either direction

Your climb is a perilous one also

as there are obstacles in the way

Your starting point is absolute 0,

you need moves in progression

This noted, you must be quite careful

as you are in a drug induced coma

Are you or are you not now in one?

this is being in the moment

Sadly for many people we do go off

on people, act nuts and worse


2017 Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

Voices that cause me Pain

 Sometimes it is exquisite

Sometimes it’s insufferable

Sometimes you’re numb

How did this happen again?

How come you can’t see it?

How is it you can’t avoid it?

First off you are trapped

Then you want out

You get sucked back in

due to makeup sex

If you stay eventually

you’ll get married

Then you’ll wonder why?

It’s a roller coaster worse

than Everest

The back and forth while

begging for seconds…

You stay for the wrong

reasons, it’s on you

If you keep injecting drugs

into yourself, you’ll die

But you don’t realize the

drug you’re on

Instead you stay subservient 

and often cry

You’re excusing things that you

complain about

You need someone to shake

some sense into you

WHY?, because YOU’RE the

reason that you are in PAIN

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com