Will you hate me if I disappear?

I may or I may not

We ended badly

So since we do talk

Would you or won’t you?

I may just become a new corpse

I may just intentionally be a statistic

I could simply just go the fuck away, so?

You won’t care

You will worry ehh

You may lose a meal, so?

You were the finish line in it

Maybe the needle that broke a back

Maybe a lie that came back to me

Maybe I was past dealing with it

Maybe I didn’t want to live

mom already gone you don’t know it

You know where I am when you look

You distracted me

You were drunk

Your crocodile tears

You just left me

I needed you

You needed drinks

You’re a bad drunk

Your tears on my shoulder

I was there for you AGAIN

You only needed me when drunk

You did when sad

You made your own misery

I wanted more for you

You pushed me away one last time

You did it for the last time

I am still broken inside

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com


I am afraid

I do not wish to see myself

I destroy all mirrors

I have become a monster

Though it is in my head

This still does not matter

Therefore it still stands

Desires are squashed

Depending on HELP

Defying are all odds

Mostly I miss her

Mainly I do always

More over I am lost:(

Last are dreams that attack

Lame to some but mainly memories

Lagging is the entering to the real world

Because I’d rather stay in a VOID

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

Thankfully the bleeding stopped

Everywhere it sprayed, a mess

on clothes, walls and all

Lots of cleaning was needed

to be done

Do not know how this did in

fact become

So easy to start and impossible

to stop

Things ruined and tired for damn


Not sure what to do next as it may

happen again soon

Added is this stress hung over my


Where I will be and a lot worse,

if I am soon to be dead

I can’t stop the train as it’s now

gathered momentum

From all sides it comes, smashes

and decides the outcome…

2017 Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

Can/Daq TFS

At some point someone had to sing this to you. You and a few others have been such wonderful friends. I do not know what is gonna happen immediately or in what time frame. I know you will be thinking of me…Obviously this is a spoof of us as I know how you roll:)


I hate being intolerant to any weather the last 9 months

This used to happen if I had meds I was taking and I suddenly stopped without a wean or if I was drinking for days and had the same result.

My norm for sleep was a fan always at the foot of my bed and a good ac at about 64 and that almost always made me feel right. But there were times middle of the night I’d wake up with a cold sweat and yes I knew what caused it then.

Now I don’t. It’s sometimes chronic and sometimes random. All I know is a narcotic pain killer was the culprit of that, a temperature spike and night sweats. Even if I turn off the air and turn it to heat I’d need an immediate shower and then run off to the plasma donation location. Yesterday it was a wasted 3 hours. My heart rate isn’t bad but I’m sure if I wasn’t still in bed and wearing two pairs of sweats and a coat it will be bad and my temperature would spike as I’d need another layer and a scarf and gloves. Normally I’d knock back out but I can’t and sadly it’s been cold for here and I was even feeling cold at 80 yesterday so going out when 50 will obviously fail me a second day. So I’ll pass or I’ll go later. I’m in dire need of showering but I can’t with the way I feel and it’s really odd to me that 73-75 feels so cold in every location I’ve lived in

What’s next?

More tests and horrors

Meaning it continues

Mendings not for me


Lots happen at once

Leaving my regular norm

Left myself naive


Things keep getting worse

Thoroughly bigger things come

They don’t go away


What is next a plague?

What kind of challenge will start?

Will I fall apart?


Do I have juice left?

Do I just disintegrate? 

Do I just end bad?




Fears are rising up

Feelings of not being well

Fears I can’t conquer…


2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com