Will you hate me if I disappear?

I may or I may not

We ended badly

So since we do talk

Would you or won’t you?

I may just become a new corpse

I may just intentionally be a statistic

I could simply just go the fuck away, so?

You won’t care

You will worry ehh

You may lose a meal, so?

You were the finish line in it

Maybe the needle that broke a back

Maybe a lie that came back to me

Maybe I was past dealing with it

Maybe I didn’t want to live

mom already gone you don’t know it

You know where I am when you look

You distracted me

You were drunk

Your crocodile tears

You just left me

I needed you

You needed drinks

You’re a bad drunk

Your tears on my shoulder

I was there for you AGAIN

You only needed me when drunk

You did when sad

You made your own misery

I wanted more for you

You pushed me away one last time

You did it for the last time

I am still broken inside

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

 

Should have known

I’d be here, you’re gone

I’m here mainly just for you

I just got lied to

 

You forget things done

You forget being a kid

You almost stole one

 

Cried on my shoulders

Caring to do it nightly

Calmness as I stayed

 

Then your big dumb fight

The one screaming for my help

Then you turned your back

 

Yes you did a lot

Yet you did need me a lot

You’ve owed me DECADES

 

Soon it’s all over

Sadly you’ve missed your WINDOW

See, I had reasons

 

Being naive is bliss

Being stupid is much worse

Bring nothing else now

 

It’s been five months now

It’s been five years from your kid

It won’t work for you

 

***But with me it is over and you can’t get it back when I am not here***

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

 

I am hating the new insights section

It used to be flawless on my site. Click pages and get clickable sites. Instead it is a way too damn fast scroll that is not clickable. This makes it seriously hard to check out followers as my site did not allow email followers to email me:(

Crying outside and inside…

No shame and no crime here

many reasons

Many things lost never to be

found again

Belongings, loved ones, pets

and more

Jobs, inabilities and lost ones

and appearance

Losing heirlooms, secrets held

and losing family

Others are not well and some are

not willing

They have needs and do not talk

anymore

Me, having losses and changes are

challenged and I fail

I can’t even keep up or even find

anew

Just more waiting and lagging like

before

It is all sad

Out of sorts

I have been not myself for what seems like forever but has only been a week and change. I feel awful, have been having extended sleep. I have been trying to be proactive and I do have a ton of material to publish but I am finding myself unable.

Where I live is quite noisy and I am getting less sleep and I have been sleeping late due to no agenda. I apply for work and though I found 2 jobs being here in a few days, I have now been unable at all.

It definitely has me down. Me body is reacting as well as I get dehydrated and more when dealing with some things. It is a curse and a blessing being me physically. I am now dealing with the former and I am trying to get out of my funk. Hell I have not written n awards post, a movie review, reviews on Oscar movies or much of anything and I am so off.:(

Up against it

Very little in options

nowhere for me

I’m now just an experiment

that failed

A shadow of my former self

at this point

Aches, pains, noises and

much more rule me

Violations and numbers now

define me

Only mad at myself and that

is all I can be…