Will you hate me if I disappear?

I may or I may not

We ended badly

So since we do talk

Would you or won’t you?

I may just become a new corpse

I may just intentionally be a statistic

I could simply just go the fuck away, so?

You won’t care

You will worry ehh

You may lose a meal, so?

You were the finish line in it

Maybe the needle that broke a back

Maybe a lie that came back to me

Maybe I was past dealing with it

Maybe I didn’t want to live

mom already gone you don’t know it

The monster is back in me….

I was completely content sleeping until 2 weeks ago. Now I am up and dpomg things I am unproud of. My body is giving out a lot and I have a monster schedule ahead if I get there. Many ppl just like and do not read, which I get but I am putting myself in peril and must leave soon or there will be consequences. I destroyed the bed and can’r fix the mess and avoided my lying roommate all day while he said do not worry all day for 10 hours. I am assed out and this is the last fucking time.

 

Crying in bed

Memories of us and all that was good

brings me to tears

My melancholy feelings get the best

of me

An empty bed, a hollow heart as there

has been much loss

While I at least cherished the time where

you chose me…

The times and final one when you didn’t 

have left cardial scars

Strokes, seizures, gun shots, grenades and

more would hurt less

Loss of being, staying in bed and unable 

to even wash the covers

Your scent and hair still being their fills

my nostrils and a quick fix

I was always hooked on you and it was

forever like

Without is like going through DTs from

withdrawal

Questioning self worth is a daily challenge

that I always lose

I’m destroying the place while left here

crying in bed…
2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

I’m dancing around the subject

Every step I make

Every word I write

Every thing I do

A puzzle to undo

A perplexed person

YOU

A panic I am in

The shit said is true

The things are real

The ones are but…

How to decipher?

How to be sure?

How to see my dance?

***I DO HIDE THINGS WELL especially if TRUTH won’t HELP***

<<<WHAT TO DO< WHAT DO SAY< DO I STAY OR GO>>>

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

 

Dying now, lost myself, lost it all

My mind is gone and I have lost ALL

my ability to have luck

My mind says I am out of time now

and money

My mind is then corrupted and there

are bad decisions

My mind does make me do the rest

to show I am fallen

My mind then has me on a count

down to destruction

My mind knows the opposite of

what I do

My mind has the idea to do the

differed action

My mind truly is playing tricks

on me

My mind lets me know I am at

odds, bad ones

My mind does let me know I

have little time

My mind sadly is quite right

as I am broke

My mind precursors me to

act another way

My mind sadly has to have me

deal with bad timing

My mind quietly speaks to my

body and I miss my window

My mind has the soul that must

be cursed

My mind has a shutdown clock

it’s counting down

My mind knows there is no way

out and I have fallen

I’M REALLY SCREWED,CRAZY AND DONE

No help will come and I am GONE SOON

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

 

 

 

I’m coming back HOME for you

You treated me like shit our whole lives

You don’t know me

Don’t know how bad I was treated

Nor my accomplishments

You live in your own omnipotent world

Named after a PLASTIC thing

You act like one TOO

Too smart to realize how dumb YOU are

You will always be worthless NOW

I tried to help you

You picked the wrong one

You were taught better and are a monster

You forced my hand after treating me like

an indentured servant

I WILL FORCE YOU TO GET IN YOUR HOLE

Remember saying that to me? Boo it comes back

to YOU

I’ll play you hard

You hurt me and stole

Your blissful life

Those pains that are 1% of mine, those

kids and that WALRUS

I will be back to get what is mine

I will make you all listen

You will be a captive audience

You will hear the phone, then BOOM

It is on and you are GONE

No not dead, that is too easy

Walk a half mile in my shoes

Bitch slap that fat fuck

Snap at those whiny ones

Rescue the one that needed it, I’m too

late for that…

But you,YES you two will learn humility

and that fakeness you can shove up your

collective asses…

I will cause a lot of strife and damage you POS

DROPS THE DAMN MIC

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com

 

 

 

Memories I don’t want to lose

Remembering all things, good and bad

all a blur

Sometimes a side effect of mind altering

drugs

Is it real?, Is it Memorex?, Is it just that I

am insane?

I do not care as I am not me without these

thoughts

Many are like heavy nightmares i can’t

wake up from

Some I do wake from to find a place I

don’t recognize

At times these are so surreal that I’d

see butterflies fly without wings

I could envision Unicorns that have

their horn sideways

Feelings that I am being operated on

and I die and SEE it as I float away

Do I see myself injuring myself on bad

days and making DEEP CUTS?

Those from the sharpest blades, from

strongest medications

Lucid awareness or lack thereof that

hails me from the hell I am in

I am not allowed to leave but I am

not wanted to stay

Purgatory as I am in constant wait

for you, for me to be me and more

I am a reckless emotion!

 

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com