Will you hate me if I disappear?

I may or I may not

We ended badly

So since we do talk

Would you or won’t you?

I may just become a new corpse

I may just intentionally be a statistic

I could simply just go the fuck away, so?

You won’t care

You will worry ehh

You may lose a meal, so?

You were the finish line in it

Maybe the needle that broke a back

Maybe a lie that came back to me

Maybe I was past dealing with it

Maybe I didn’t want to live

mom already gone you don’t know it

Dying now, lost myself, lost it all

My mind is gone and I have lost ALL

my ability to have luck

My mind says I am out of time now

and money

My mind is then corrupted and there

are bad decisions

My mind does make me do the rest

to show I am fallen

My mind then has me on a count

down to destruction

My mind knows the opposite of

what I do

My mind has the idea to do the

differed action

My mind truly is playing tricks

on me

My mind lets me know I am at

odds, bad ones

My mind does let me know I

have little time

My mind sadly is quite right

as I am broke

My mind precursors me to

act another way

My mind sadly has to have me

deal with bad timing

My mind quietly speaks to my

body and I miss my window

My mind has the soul that must

be cursed

My mind has a shutdown clock

it’s counting down

My mind knows there is no way

out and I have fallen


No help will come and I am GONE SOON

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com




Memories I don’t want to lose

Remembering all things, good and bad

all a blur

Sometimes a side effect of mind altering


Is it real?, Is it Memorex?, Is it just that I

am insane?

I do not care as I am not me without these


Many are like heavy nightmares i can’t

wake up from

Some I do wake from to find a place I

don’t recognize

At times these are so surreal that I’d

see butterflies fly without wings

I could envision Unicorns that have

their horn sideways

Feelings that I am being operated on

and I die and SEE it as I float away

Do I see myself injuring myself on bad

days and making DEEP CUTS?

Those from the sharpest blades, from

strongest medications

Lucid awareness or lack thereof that

hails me from the hell I am in

I am not allowed to leave but I am

not wanted to stay

Purgatory as I am in constant wait

for you, for me to be me and more

I am a reckless emotion!


2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com



I think I need help

My mind is racing but it is locked up

I tried to pick it and failed

My mind is going into that bad place

One of rage and terror

My mind has a target and no mercy

Come after friends and family

My mind has it’s own plan for you

I can’t stop it

My mind is made up and the gas

pedal is weighted with a TON

My mind thinks I need help but…

I think it is you that does…

My mind does not alter it is an

entity and spins round

My mind has the same DREAMS

in it you are GONE…

My mind says you are worse than


My mind says you FUCKED with

the wrong one and you are DONE

Do I need help? Not for you I don’t

Do I need to slow down? No FASTER

Do I need a SHRINK? No she said it’s OK

Do I need a priest? He said go ahead

Do I need approval? Hell NO!!

Do remember you started it long AGO

Do remember it is a manifesto

Do remember your days are numbered

Do remember you are a fool pretending

Do remember you try to manipulate

Do remember I DON’t care that YOU ARE DUMB

Do remember you will NOT REMEMBER after we TUSSLE

Do remember you unleashed the MONSTER


2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com




Sometimes you have to gamble…

Roll the dice

Spin the wheel

Chance your life

All for what?

To be on a surgery table if you’re wrong

Even then you

are bed ridden

No work

No school

and you’re behind the 8 ball

So take the chance

see if you don’t faint

See if you don’t explode

See if you don’t respond

Roll the dice

Spin the wheel

Chance your life

For what?



More loss?

Hatred against?

Sometimes it is all FUKITOL

2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com


Sometimes your actions are to protect others

Sure we can say and be despicable, we few are made that way

we do it on purpose?

Have you ever realized some things are wrong that need to

have it made right?

I mean some things are too deep to go into but there are some

you do not want to hurt

But then again you’d like to help them with some things while

hiding your own

Make things right?, Make things move along?, say helpful things

that don’t work, so do the opposite?

You tried, you failed, you are no longer wanted, left behind but

there’s some things you did to cause it!!!

You HAD TO. That is all they need to know and they will hate

you now forever

They made it easy and you tried different things but you did

not know how far gone they were AGAIN

But that is good because you KNOW things about them that

they do not and a LOT about YOU

YOU TRIED, you tried a different approach and now they

cut and run and it is BETTER for them

For what may come NEXT they will never be prepared

for but SOME memories will be TOUCHED

They will wonder after all of this how did this happen

so soon…


2017 Copyright Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com


Thankfully the bleeding stopped

Everywhere it sprayed, a mess

on clothes, walls and all

Lots of cleaning was needed

to be done

Do not know how this did in

fact become

So easy to start and impossible

to stop

Things ruined and tired for damn


Not sure what to do next as it may

happen again soon

Added is this stress hung over my


Where I will be and a lot worse,

if I am soon to be dead

I can’t stop the train as it’s now

gathered momentum

From all sides it comes, smashes

and decides the outcome…

2017 Paul McAleavey wwwpalfitness.wordpress.com