The pain got unbearable overnight and I have added pain and I was freezing at 73 in the room with a light fan. I had to put on three layers.
On a good note I had an phone interview that went well but it made me get blocked and I’m riding 2 mikes uphill and walking is very hard. I’ve added other symptoms and need to be in and out fast to speak to the owner ad get a couple of hours in.
The obstacles were there, family and friends too. All hard from the start and decisions were made. Tracks had decisions marked and etched in memories for future decades. Good and bad and being better at 9 then at 46 seems impossible.
Sulking, hidden away, covering up constantly. Knowing the past was bad but awesome and none can be rectified, healed or pushed past the sorrow. The sordid details burn my bottom and the embers do cast both heat and smell. The flesh taking it’s toll rolls up the endings and beginnings.
The passion has been long gone and then I am haunted by all of the oh they are alive and still in my life. Dogs, cats, others, my whole family, my hobbies and there’s just time and massive trauma in my brain causing aches, pains, tears and a badness that has my ire thinking I am who I was and I can’t do the slightest activity that was easy and my pushes were once strong and now they are an idle and limp.
I am not an automatic failure but things in the night hit me hard. Tears. Thoughts betray me. My mind plays tricks on me. I have these nightmares and remembrances that I sometimes look forward too as they remind me but then again they remind nothing will come back around and then I feel ok so what?, but you cant get back what has been lost. Ghosts that come around and face me nightly and this old house has different paint, it seems ugly, secret rooms, blood etched, expensive furniture,meals, holidays, simple things and just those easy remembrances. Dead inside is no way to live. Having tried to make new memories fail. Making the dying on the outside and inside refer to just an echo of former self/ The tools are gone, holding anything slips through my hands and one thing I wished for is no longer here. If I had never been born 1000s would have been different but those I wanted may not and the pain needs to end soon.I will end it just as my heart will let me go and all the pain is hitting on all cylinders and I can fight and say bring it but I do not have it left inside of my skeleton.